Overcoming the Death of a loved one

For me the death of my husband has left me reeling a bit.  As he choose to take his own life at a time when it was really difficult for us as he had decided to end his life but could not see that the result would be that I would be alone without him.

He only saw the pain and anguish in his own life which was all self-inflicted.  He would be constantly in medical books trying to sort out some so called problem or other – which was none existent – we went for all the tests that he thought was wrong with him only to be told time and time again that there was nothing they could find wrong with him.

We knew of his congenital heart defect which had been with him all his life, yet he was unaware of it most of his life only when the Drs told him when he had talked himself into a Atrial Fibrillation by constantly stressing about his blood pressure.

Watching a perfectly healthy individual deteriorate to such a degree where he contemplated and planned his own death.

To watch and know that no one could help him because he had refused help from the Mental Health people on the grounds that he had sufficient support from his loving wife – me.  However, for me it was truly a tragic event because I believe and do believe that God has a plan for each individual on this planet and no matter how difficult times can sometimes be He is always there to watch over us. Unfortunately, my husband did not share my points of view and in his mind he was not going to wait around to become a cripple and bedridden and burden on me he decided that He would choose his time and date when he was going to die.  For weeks before he actually did it he would pace about making experiements which failed and yet he kept making his own preparations these he did in secret yet would let me know that he had yet failed to kill himself because something stopped him. Yet he would go off on his own making his plans in the end it was just a waiting game as I knew no matter what I would say he had already made up his mind.  We went to see the drs who did not take his suicide threats seriously in fact they were shocked when he actually did it.  I do not have any faith whatsoever in the medical profession, my faith is squarely in Gods mighty hands.

My husband’s life had been virtually trouble free except for a messy divorce from his first wife – who had played away from home and yet insisted that it was because he was not there for her.  He worked all the hours as a lecturer and provided his family with an excellent living style which had been debt free and problem free.  Their personalities did not match, but he knew that from the start.  However, for him in his life there was little difficulty with his health or that of his family, therefore when it did hit him he was not prepared for the difficulties nor did he want to face them or solve them, this man who had prided himself on problem solving and resolving issues could not and would not listen to reason.  He had chosen the path of least resistance, and took his own life.

My life on the other hand has been strewn with problems from childhood therefore for me it did not make any sense at all that this man’s minor battle was so over powering.  I have lost, mother, brother, children and even watched husband’s trying to kill themselves.  My first husband constantly was trying to kill himself – as yet not succeeded.  Even though he is still an alcoholic and junkie  My precious Colin was none of these things yet when push came to shove was able to succeed where others had failed much to my distress.

Living without him this past year has been really difficult, on one hand having moved to Spain to be were my heart lies has been a blessing, but without him it is a hollow victory – because as I watch the wonderful sunsets over Gibraltar and Africa it makes me sad to know that the one person who would really have enjoyed these views is no longer with me.

For me to walk by the seashore without my beloved has been really hard.

The hardest thing of all is turning out my old life, starting with things that we shared together, books etc.  It has been hard to get rid of my past, holding onto memories which have only pain in them because the last few years before his death he had lost his essence of the husband and man I fell in love with, at the end it was like living with a stranger, getting up each morning and sharing breakfast with a person who is constantly telling you that he is not happy with his life and that his health is failing and that he cannot see any way forward and watching his disintegrate before your eyes and being told that he is not the man he was when he married me that the husband was no longer within him.  Makes it really hard to hear.  However I forever tried to reassure him that he had still got me but in the end even I had to concede that the man sitting before me was not the man I married.  That was the hardest moment in my life.  Watching him turn into a perfect stranger almost overnight.  We did not have anything in common any more, walking with him was really a difficult thing to do because no matter how I tried to reassure him and encourage him and pray for him and encourage him to Seek God in all  his troubles he did not seem to understand that the God I was talking about is well able to safe and heal and bless people the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the God of Israel who brought them out of the pit of hell in Egypt to come and worship before him and He who parted the Red Sea that they may cross over in safety this is the God I serve.

The God who gave mankind a set of Commandments to live by to love one another to encourage one another with psalms and prayer, the God Creator of the Universe.  This God is able to do the impossible if you trust him to do it, but Colin did not trust, he did not believe that God could change his life, He did not believe that God was able to lift him up out of the dark pit, he did not believe that God loved him.

This was the worst of it.  Sitting listening to someone deny the very God of the universe his mighty power because he felt he was able to make the choice without God – just like so many people in this world today just sitting waiting to die, hoping to die and looking to die without hope.  This to me is a real tragic life for me to live life to the full knowing the God creator is all loving and all caring and all knowing He does know your pain, He understands your weakness – He came to be as one of us, so that he would have an even deeper understanding on how his creation feels when they are in pain.  He wrapped his arms around those who cried out to him, he extended his arm to help lift the cripple, the blind the halt and lame to their feet and strengthened the ankles of the feeble this is the God who came to save us from ourselves.

Yeshua is the best God we could possibly have, he created the universe at a word, everything came into being because of his breath, are we so blind as to see that without his initial breath and word none of this would be in existence to day.  Every day I wake up and praise God in my heart that yet again I am able to breathe and enjoy the day, the sunshine the wind, the waves, even the rain is a blessing.  I know in UK it may not seem it, if there is no rain there is drought, therefore Praise God for his great mercy.


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